Reeling

I'm reeling still.
Reeling from the tragedy in Newtown, Connecticut.  It's just too much.  Too damn much.
Reeling.  Hurting.  Fearing.  Raging.  Wondering.
Wondering why? how? what the f#*@ is going on in the world?
Hurting for the victims and their families.

But I'm also loving, hoping, praying and holding on tight.
Holding on tight to my own precious babies.  Holding on tight to my belief that love wins.  

Snuggling with my first grader who wanted to stay up a little later than usual and of course I said okay.

This weekend I was like so many moms out there, hugging my kids tighter, forgiving messes and worrying less about schedules.  Instead of stressing about my failure as a parent because Wade is three years old and still coming into our bed at night, I couldn't fall asleep until he did.  

That horse drawn carriage ride through our beautiful Christmas town you kids have been begging us for years to do but we always say a five minute ride for $20 wasn't worth it? Yeah, that one, let's do it kids. 

It was that kind of weekend.

I usually always try to find the funny in any situation, even the dark, uncertain situations.  Like last year, after my mother fell down a flight of stairs and broke her neck.  She woke up in the hospital bed mumbling something, asking for someone.  My sister and I leaned in closer to try and figure out who it was, then the nurse leaned in closer.  "Justin Timberlake, I want Justin Timberlake," she said pretty damn clearly.  We found the fact that she was asking for the former N'Syncher quite hilarious.  

But there is nothing funny about what's happening now.  Not one damn thing.  It's gut wrenching, heart breaking, mind bending.  It's too damn much.

But I'm holding on to the belief that love wins.

This past weekend broke me open.  It will continue to as we see the pictures of the kids, hear their parents' stories and visit victim's Facebook tribute pages.  

My husband and I told our three older kids about what happened.  They each reacted differently and age appropriately. Lucy expressed her feelings with a picture of angels singing. 

"I wish I could mail this to heaven," she told us.

After we told them and we answered their questions, they began playing and had a wonderful weekend.  I don't know what they will hear at school.  I'm sure it will come up again with us.  But for now they have moved on.  Like we all will eventually.

Yes, I'm reeling, but I'm believing love wins.

Here's a great video about love around the world:

Here's something I wrote over the weekend for the Patch about guns and mental illness.  Click here.
http://rochester.patch.com/blog_posts/boots-guns-and-mental-illness