Silver Linings, Pollyanna & Ice Skating

I try to enjoy the moment, really be in it and soak it up.  I like to be happy.  I like to laugh.  I like to dance.  I choose half-full, rose-colored everything and silver linings.  These are all very true, very real things about me.  

But there are other very true, very real things about me.  Like the fact that it can all be overwhelming. All the managing activities and kids and money and no money and a marriage and life and groceries and filling out that form and figuring out that puzzle and making all the right decisions and fixing all the wrong decisions and learning and living and loving and and communicating and worrying and Ahhhhhhhhh!

Sometimes I feel like I'm running on empty.
And sometimes like in the above picture I really am.

Sometimes my whole live-in-the-moment-hippie-wannabe-let's-just-dance-why-can't-we-all-get-along-and-love-each-other-we-need-to-laugh-and-dance-more self doesn't feel like a good fit for this busy, (over) scheduled, suburban life.  

And there's that whole where do I fit in with my kids getting older thing happening right now. I feel torn because I am enjoying so many parts of my kids getting older.  Lucy and I binge watched three episodes of Gilmore Girls on Netflix and painted each other's nails on Saturday night, how cool is that?  Peyton and I shared jokes about pop culture and Jesus on our way home from church yesterday, I mean you can't do that with a preschooler. But I if I'm being 100 percent honest, I miss playing a bigger, more cuddly-I-can-make-everything-better mom role.  Sometimes I miss filling up afternoons with painting projects and Disney movies. 
                           
Here's another very true thing about me--I do get overwhelmed, I cry, I get sad and mad and frustrated and anxious and emotional and a tiny bit hopeless, but it doesn't last long.  Because I have these great kids that want to keep moving and playing and learning and laughing and messing up and making up and learning and loving. And a great husband. 

This past Saturday, I was hating youth sports for taking away all my unstructured time and all of our extra money (which is laughable because there is no extra!). Tim came home from picking up one of the kids from practice and said "the pond is still frozen, we need to skate before Peyton's game tonight."  So we went skating.  We found time in between all the crazy schedules and have-to's and structure to play.  

A pick-up game of hockey in the park...it felt so organic and fabulous and unplanned and so unsuburban.  I loved it.

Lucy was the only girl and she was playing/skating hard. So proud.

The fresh air, being active, being together, being unstructured, feeling alive and like a family--it all renewed me.  It filled my glass back up to half-full.

It's hard for some people to understand.  My mother famously asked me why I had to be such a "fucking Pollyanna" years ago.  She's not really a fan of the whole rose-colored way of thinking.

But I like being happy. I like to laugh.  I like to dance (and skate).  I try to enjoy the moment, really be in it and soak it up.    I choose half-full, rose-colored everything and silver linings.  

It is true that I worry that my fucking Pollyanna ways have no place in this rushed, busy, overwhelming life.  But it is also true that I am going to try to find the joy in the unstructured moments and love my family and try to be better at planning and enjoying youth sports and communicating with my husband and not turning into a helicopter mom.  

Feeling the overwhelmed-ness and frustration and confusion and tiny bits of hopelessness, make the silver linings that much more silver.  The whole you have a little darkness to appreciate the light idea, I believe it.  

I have no answers about being happy all the time and figuring out my role with my older kids...no answers at all.  I just know that I will keep trying to enjoy the good moments and really be in them and soak them up.  And dance and skate and love as much as I can.