Sorry

Last week, while Tim was sick with the flu for days, I painted our bathroom. I also ripped out the old caulk around the tub and replaced it with new caulk. Sure I didn't build a new bathroom or anything, but I was still pretty impressed with what I did. 

Hell yeah, I felt very Helen Reddy I Am Woman in this moment.

When Tim finally got out of bed he wanted to help a little bit, but I wouldn't let him. I wanted to do it. I wanted to start something and actually finish it. I wanted to feel proud of something. Because lately I feel scattered (even more than usual) and well-intentioned but like I'm screwing shit up everywhere.

I feel like it's not enough, like I'm not enough, like there's not enough time, I'm not organized enough. I want to do everything. I want to be a good worker, a good mother, a good wife, a good friend, a good person.  

Most of last week, I was feverishly painting the bathroom a color called Quiet Rain which you better believe I sang Prince's classic "Purple Rain" with my paint color over and over..."Quiet rain, quiiiiiieeeet raaaaaain..." Oh my gosh, even when I'm feeling like a complete failure at everything, I can make myself laugh with my dumb jokes. Thank god.

This is me, mid-song.

Another song I got stuck in my head was Justin Bieber's "Sorry." I sang a few lines over and over and over. I sang it so much it made Tim feel annoyed and slightly lightheaded again so he went back to bed. It was more than an earworm though (you know what an earworm is right, it's a song that gets stuck on replay in your head). It was an anthem. I mean I'm not missing anyone's body like Justin sings about, but I am sorry.

I am sorry for the typos in my last writing assignment. I am sorry for not calling you back. I am sorry for messing up the lunch times. I am sorry for not entering all that data entry for work on a more consistent basis. I am sorry I couldn't stay awake for the movie. I am sorry I ate the entire frozen pizza by myself the other night. I am sorry for having anxiety. I am sorry for not knowing the right things to say or do when a friend is hurting. I am sorry for not volunteering in my kid's class. I am sorry for not following through. I am sorry for being a little cranky. I am sorry for taking myself so seriously. I am sorry for not feeding my kids healthier foods. I am sorry for not paying attention more.

But singing and feeling all sorry mostly made me tired. And maybe that's what I really am. I'm tired of feeling like I'm fucking things up. I know I need to let some of this go and give myself one more shot at forgiveness(ahh it's from the song, I can't stop!). It just piles up sometimes and I find myself singing Justin Bieber songs over and over and over (and quoting them in blog posts) until I've driven everyone I love away. 

When I finally finished the bathroom, I stepped back and sighed with relief and pride. I finished it and it doesn't suck. There are no globs of caulk running down the side of the tub or uneven paint splotches on the walls. It's just a bathroom off the kitchen with peaceful, gray-ish walls that I didn't leave totally messed up. 

I may be sucking at so much right now, but the bathroom is a step in the right direction. A step toward letting go of my guilt and overly high expectations. I'm on my way to picking a new song, a new anthem and a new attitude. Or at least I'm going to try because I believe it's not too late...oh my god that's part of Justin Bieber's song isn't it? Maybe I can't stop singing that song ever and maybe I'm not sorry about that part.

In case you want to sing along, here's THE song:

(click here to watch the video)

And come on this is AMAZING, you've seen this right?

(click here to watch the video)